Fortune Cookies

Pain is not a bad thing; it is simply something one attempts to avoid.
What an uplifting phrase. Should any of you be unfortunate enough to be shot, get a limb broken, or have something horribly painful happen to you, just remember, "Pain is not a bad thing."

An unexpected payment is coming your way!
Does this mean monetary payment, or is someone looking for retribution?

Others are deeply moved by your presence.
I don't know what the problem is; I wear deodorant.

The person you are thinking of is also thinking of you.
Crud, I better stop spying on her.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
This phrase totally belongs in Kingdom Hearts.

You may lack ambition but not the ability to succeed.
Wow, this is like my life's motto.

Tap into your imagination, it provides interesting results.
Ummm...I think it's best I leave Pandora's Box closed. The world has enough problems as it is.

It's time to treat yourself to something special.
I don't think the people at the Corvette dealership will accept this fortune in place of $40,000.

Be direct, usually one can accomplish more that way.
But being manipulative and scheming is much more fun.

Your ideas are clever and you will be rewarded.
Great, time to market my idea for dehydrated water. Just add water!

Someone you recently met will play an important role in your life.
Dang, I wish I hadn't been introduced to that IRS agent.

You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
Yep, that's why the cushion on my computer chair is so flat.

Your short term goal will soon be realized.
Yay, nap time!

Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.
Time also brings more wounds and eventually death. Keep your chin up.

Welcome change.
If your life is miserable, sure, welcome change. If your life is great, fear change with every fiber of your being.

The greatest achievement in life is to stand up again after failing.
Then you had better hope your failure doesn't involve a landmine or you can kiss achievement goodbye.

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening to them.
This "fortune" is so lame that I can't think of anything sarcastic to say.

One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.
Apparently I'm not being admired for being observant.

Your lucky number for the week is seven.
Of course my lucky number is seven. But I can't seem to get three of them to come up at once on the slot machine.

Seek friendship and you will find it.
I don't know. I stalked this girl for weeks, and all I got was a restraining order.

You enjoy playing to a crowd.
But being booed and pelted with rocks I can do without.

Turn your thoughts within - find yourself.
Because no one likes the person on the outside.

Good Company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
Until he sprains his ankle and you have to carry him. Then you want to dump him on the side of the road and be on your way.

Advice, when most needed, is least heeded.
You may think that the writer wished for this to sound profound, but really he just liked it because it rhymed.

Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away.
So, in other words, don't bother trying to reason with people, just use flattery.

Over self-confidence is equal to being blind.
Then is insecurity is equal to X-ray vision?

Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
But the raptors are in there!

A faithful friend is a strong defense.
"Hey friend, go into the next room and see if the raptors are still there."

A little courtesy will go a long way.
But a bribe goes much further.

Do something unusual tomorrow.
Alright, I'll tell my lawyer to expect my one phone call.

You will find comfort in a new relationship.
Guess I'll give Match.com a shot since eHarmony didn't work out.

The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
You'll get telemarketers instead of spam.

A beautiful person is with you, confide your problems.
My problem is that the beautiful person makes me look ugly.

Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life.
Well, being unemployed, yeah the website gets high priority.

A pleasant surprise is in store for you.
"You may already be a winner!"

Take no risks with your reputation.
Bah. Infamous is just as good as famous.

A house without books is like a room without windows.
It's ok. I don't need either. I have a TV.

The evening promises romantic interests.
But this fortune was meant for someone else. You'll be spending the evening eating something microwaved in front of the TV.

Be calm and collected, peace is a virtue.
But try not to snore, or your boss might get mad.

No profit grows where there is no pleasure to be had.
Or you can just sell alcohol because hammered people don't know if they're having fun or not.

A gathering of friends brings you lots of luck this evening.
LAN party!

You will soon have your moment of glory.
Fruity, colorful Trix shall be mine!

Next full moon brings an enchanting evening.
Get off the drugs man.

Be sensitive, but not overly sensitive.
Unless you're a guy. Then it's only ok to cry if you've been lit on fire.

A cheerful message is on its way to you.
But the post office lost it.

Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news.
I'm moving back home.

You will do better in real estate than in stocks.
I'm not sure I want to take investment tips from a fortune cookie. I already lost thousands thanks to the advice from that pop up ad.

Don't worry about the stock market. Invest in family.
Another fortune against stocks? The Chinese government must be secretly using fortune cookies to bring about the destruction of our capitalistic economy!

Your creativity will take you to unexpected places.
"It's in a book. Just take a look. It's Reading Rainbow!"

An interesting sports opportunity is in your near future.
At last, Extreme Curling! Where the stones are coated in nitroglycerin, and the teams get sniper support to interfere with each other's turns.

Don't underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time.
That's right. With me in the room, the other guys will all seem charming.

Prepare today for the demands of tomorrow.
No, this is not a reminder to stock up on liquor.

Success will come to your plans.
"Next time, Gadget!"

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.
Someone needs to give this fortune to Microsoft.

Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos.
So in order to create a utopia, we're going to need a lot of nukes.

Bide your time, for success is near.
I can hear the music. Where's the ice cream truck?!

Visit a park. Enjoy what nature has to offer.
Such as mosquitoes, poison ivy, picnic ants, and grass allergies.

On Friday your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas.
Too bad your boss fired you on Thursday for being unproductive.

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
But in the meantime you'll be accused of having a fear of commitment.

You have an active mind and a keen imagination. Apply your ideas.
Hmm, let's see...maybe I could make a webcomic.

Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!
"Dude, you think I can down this whole jar of hot sauce?"
"Ten bucks says you can't."

Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness.
It's not radiance; it's a really bad sunburn, and I'm not the least bit happy about it.

You have great physical powers and an iron constitution.
Yet a green rock can kill you. Some super man.

You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.
It makes shopping for you much less expensive.

You are going to take a vacation.
The angry mob outside insists.

Follow the advice of your heart.
Go for the super sized meal.

A fascinating project is in your future.
Stamping license plates.

You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance.
In the form of a flaming bag on your porch.

Nothing seems impossible to you.
But as the ground approaches, you might want to give up on trying to fly and pull the rip cord.

You have a yearning for perfection.
Which is why you're alone.

Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.
Time to save the world...after lunch and a nap.

Always have old memories and young hopes.
You had to walk uphill both ways to school, and you want to go to the park.

You will always be surrounded by true friends.
Lousy freeloaders.

What's vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
And for the right fee, you can hire a defense attorney to convince the jury of the same thing.

Do not let your instincts run right over your reason.
I could say something, but there'd be a lot of women upset with me.

You are admired for your adventurous ways.
I have logged several thousand hours on RPG's.

Adversity willingly undergone is the greatest virtue.
Virtue? I'm pretty sure throwing rocks at the bee hive is just plain stupidity.

(I felt like adding a second response)
Then that means all those people who told me to go play in traffic were actually trying to instill me with virtue.

Anything worth doing can be done.
Then why am I not Emperor of the world yet?

An ounce of gold cannot buy an ounce of time.
So sell the gold and party with the time you have left.

Anything is possible with a willing heart.
And a lot of financial backing.