Fortune Cookies

02/06/2014

A truly great person never puts away the simplicity of a child.
So you're saying it's okay that I still sleep with a teddy bear and nightlight?

A man's dreams are an index to his greatness.
I dream about sleeping in late, showing up to school unprepared for a test, and fighting off the many various things trying to kill me. Behold my greatness.

You will receive unexpected support over the next week. Accept it graciously.
Double coupons came in the mail!

You lose nothing by asking, and there is a chance to gain something lasting.
That's not true. There is plenty of dignity to be lost in asking questions.

Discover the talents within yourself
I have a large amount of ancient money in me? That doesn't sound healthy. I'm gonna need to see a surgeon.

A tub and rub will change our day.
Um!! I... uh... think we should just stay friends. And I'm going to go... somewhere else now. Bye.

A photo doesn't capture your charm
Hey, wait, are you saying it doesn't show up because I have "inner" beauty? Are you calling me ugly?!

A modest man never talks to himself
…? Never talks about himself? Eh, whatever. A modest man never talks to himself. Sure. Why not. Makes as much sense as other fortunes.

"Oh man, is that smell me?" Tom said quietly to himself. "I shouldn't have skipped the shower after my run."
"Tom, are you talking to yourself?" Jeff had heard his murmurings. "You think you're so important that you can talk to yourself? Learn some modesty, you arrogant jerk."

04/07/2013

A feather in the hand is better than a bird in the air.
Oh goody, a feather. That is soooo useful. I'm so glad I have a feather and can stop chasing the flying bird.

You will win favors when you expand your social circle.
Then why do all of my Facebook friends decline my offer to meet in real life?

You will soon have an opportunity to advance your career.
NOOO!!! I don't want to be a project engineer!

You have talent for all that is artistic
I apologize. I would like to give my proper response to this fortune. However, the computer doesn't have a large enough font size to represent the amount of laughter this fortune prompted.

You have a deep interest in all that is artistic
Please see previous comment.

Hidden treasure will be found, where least expected
Here's a hint: you're going to want rubber gloves.

You have the urge and the ability for major accomplishments
Can an incredibly long nap be considered a major accomplishment?

You will overcome difficult times
I'd prefer to avoid difficult times.

Treat a friend to flowers
Um, there's a slight problem. I'm a guy. So... no.

2/26/2012

You have a charming way with words. Write a letter this week.
"Dear IRS, I am confident the government has been perfectly responsible with the money I gave you last year and invested it so wisely that there is no need for me to send you money again this year."

Humor is an affirmation of dignity.
However, I enjoy a lot of humor at the expense of your dignity.

An unexpected event will soon make your life more exciting.
"Run! Godzilla has been revived!"
"You fool! I told you nothing good would come from exposing his carcass to nuclear explosions inside the Earth's core! When will you learn to respect the boundaries of science?!"

You must experience failure to appreciate success.
Then you're going to be ecstatic when you finally write a good cookie fortune.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.
Right... If armed thugs break into your house to take you for ransom, try handing one of them an encyclopedia. See how that works out.

Courtesy is one of the best peacemakers.
But if courtesy fails, a revolver works well too.

Anyone can memorize things, but the important thing is to understand it.
"I memorized Pi to fifty decimal places."
"Ah, you memorized them, but do you understand what those decimal places mean?"
"...are you drunk?"

1/24/2012

Make big plans.
You don't need to follow through with them or anything like that. Just make big plans.

Look! Good fortune is around you.
Look! It's happening to everyone but you. Awww :(

Good health will be yours for a long time.
Not if I keep eating Chinese food.

The riches of others make you more valuable.
How? Am I robbing the rich others?

Avoid unchallenging occupations – they waste your talents.
I guess I need to quit my job then. But I like getting a regular paycheck. My comic isn't going to pay my bills.

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Everlasting... so you don't think I'll ever be perfect or even generous. That's not very nice.

You are capable, competent, creative, careful. Prove it.
“Your honor, I would like to submit as Exhibit A this fortune that says I am capable, competent, creative, careful. The defense rests.”

Love conquers all.

Now is a lucky time for you - take a chance
Maybe I would if there was some promise of success instead of “lucky time”.

Wish upon the next star you see for luck the next day.
It's already a “lucky time” so if I wish for more luck, it will be a super lucky time... and then nothing will happen and my hopes and dreams will be dashed to pieces as I mourn my life choice of listening to advice from a piece of paper in a folded brittle cookie.

11/9/2011

Beware of an offer that sounds too good to be true.
I'll give you fifty dollars if you put this package in your luggage. It's a souvenir for a friend. He'll find you at the airport.

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
Makes sense since I don't do either.

The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.
And for $40,000 of debt, you can have several years of “action” sitting at a desk and staring at a chalkboard.

A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner!
And violent seas kill many skillful mariners.

Time is the wisest counselor.
Pity its advice is always too late.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
There’s a good joke about the government in there somewhere.

If you don’t enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
I’m going to have to agree with this statement in a few circumstances. Giving me a little broccoli will make me unhappy. Giving me more broccoli will not improve the situation.

Ignorance never settles a question.
Unless the other person is even more ignorant and believes your made-up answer.

8/14/2011

Idleness is the holiday of fools.
Woo! Holiday! Holiday!

If you wish good advice, consult your mother.
Should I focus on healing my party while targeting the minions, or should I go straight for the boss and try to take him out with limit techniques before he has a chance to deal a lot of damage to the party? ...Um, Mom, do you even know what I just said?

You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature.
Which is why you're never noticed.

You will make a name for yourself in the field of entertainment.
Just like Rebecca Black. (I'm sorry)

You are never bitter, deceptive or petty.
Hahahaha!

Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month.
A new enemy, yay!

The happiest circumstances are close to home.
I'm happiest asleep in my bed.

You constantly struggle for self improvement - and it shows.
Nope, you're mistaken. I just bought a larger size of pants so I don't look as fat.

6/5/2011

You are a person of culture.
(You can't hear it right now, but I'm on the ground laughing.) The only culture I get is in cheese form.

People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it.
If that's the case, then don't mind me, boss. I work best after napping from 1 till 3 in the afternoon.

Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it.
Prosperity also charges an exorbitant amount of money until the patent expires.

An unexpected event will soon bring you fortune.
Your house was unexpectedly broken into. Enjoy the bad fortune.

A truly creative person rids himself of all self-imposed limitations.
However, a court order can put some of those limitations back on you.

Adapt to circumstances in order to make progress.
If your enemy lights you on fire, give your enemy a hug.

A short saying oft contains much wisdom.
And yet, I haven't had a fortune cookie that has found any of these sayings.

You will soon be crossing desert sands for a fun vacation.
Why am I crossing desert sands? There's nothing fun in the desert. I want beach sand not desert sand!

It is necessary; therefore it is possible.
Define "necessary". Many illnesses have no cure, but bacon ice cream has been invented.

4/25/2010

You can be a victor without having victims.
But what's the point of winning if you can't rub it in the loser's face?

You grow up the first day you have your first good laugh -- at yourself.
You also grow old the first day you look in the mirror and cry.

We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
So always pour water on all your problems to check if they are in fact soluble.

You will discover an unexpected treasure.
And you can expect the government to take half.

Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards.
Unlike the show Lost which can never be understood.

Do not desire what you do not need.
Ooh, that's going to make me cut back on the Chinese food. I might not be getting too many new fortunes if I follow this one.

If you want to get a sure crop with a big yield, sow wild oats.
???!! What the crud?! Why is a fortune cookie promoting promiscuity?

A day without smiling is a day wasted.
Does mocking laugher count as smiling? 'Cause that's what happened when I read this.

You will be awarded some great honor.
Which your coworkers will resent you for.

Accept the affections offered to you - they are sincere.
I don't care if they're sincere. The dog is trying to lick my face after licking itself.

You will move to a wonderful new home within the year.
Anywhere but Lodi qualifies as wonderful (except maybe Stockton).

All that we are is a result of what we have thought.
But imagine if ALL that we thought resulted in what we are... Space samurai, space samurai, space samurai! Hey, why am I not holding a katana yet?

11/2/2009

You don't have to be perfect to fulfill your dream.
But it sure would help because your dumb mistakes are really slowing things down.

Be prepared to receive something special with no strings attached.
I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!

You have executive ability. Apply this in the future.
You're fired! ...Wait, boss, I was just kidding. The fortune cookie said I have executive ability. It was a joke. No, please don't fire me. I can't go back to living with my parents!

With integrity and consistency, your credits are piling up.
No, no, no. You seem to be confused. That large number on your credit card account is debt, not money you have.

A romantic mystery will add interest to your life.
But when the mystery is solved, you'll still be single and alone.

Devotion will make you feel more complete.
I devoted myself to a video game. I completed a lot of quests. But I kinda wish I had those 2000 hours back.

Special touches have been planned with you in mind.
Oh great, is there a bomb under my car? Is there going to be an "accidental" gas leak at my home? Those mobsters need to learn to lighten up.

4/15/2009

Those who wish to sing always find a song.
Please, no more karaoke!

Through greater effort and hard work a precious dream comes true.
It doesn't need to be my effort and work, does it? I can pay someone to do it for me, right?

Nine tenths of education is encouragement.
And the other tenth you get D's in.

Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together.
Whoa, hold it. What's with the graphic content? This is supposed to be a fortune cookie not an excerpt from a trashy romance novel.

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
Go protest somewhere else!

You will be involved in many humanitarian projects.
Gotta get those tax write-offs somehow.

You are a deep thinker with a knack for problem solving.
I wonder if I can put ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.

If the world seems cold, kindle a fire to warm it.
Wooo! Come on everyone, the fortune cookie told me to take up arson!

The human body was designed to walk, run or stop; it wasn't built for coasting.
Then I choose to stop. Someone wake me when it's dinner time.

If you tempt a squirrel with a nut, be prepared to be bitten.
Or hey genius, you could toss the nut to the squirrel.

"Comic perfection, one pixel at a time."