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Fortune Cookies


Go for the gold today! You'll be the champion of whatever you do.
Then I shall be the champion of eating ice cream while watching cartoons.

Pay attention to your nonverbal cues, and try turning it down.
In other words: you're annoying everyone. Stop it.

You are wise to keep your eyes wide open at all times.
Because I'm coming for you.

There are no bad days; some are just better than others.
And the comparison will only help you realize just how worse your day can get. 

In the end all things will be known.
But since it's the end, no one will care. 

The surest way to have nothing to give is to give nothing.
I always have something to give: criticism, sarcasm, insults, mockery, scathing laughter... 

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
...as you drag him off the couch to help with the housework. 

It is more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others.
Judging myself is easy. I = Awesome. Judgment done. 

This year your highest priority will be your family.
Since I'm single, that means my highest priority will be me. Alright!


A cheerful heart makes its own song.
So does an upset stomach.

A great pleasure in life is doing what others say you can't.
"I can too survive a forty-foot drop. Just watch. Weee!..."

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together as they do in you.
Now if only you had wealth. Oh well, I'll keep searching for that special woman.

You will soon be the center of attention.
"Will you all please stop staring and help me! I'm on fire!"

Take the plunge in a personal relationship.
Pay for her dinner for a change.

Time makes one wise. Ask advice from someone older than you.
Your older teenage brother does not qualify. Pick someone whose brain has made it out of puberty. 


Modify your thinking to handle new situations.
Eh, C4 handles pretty much any situation.

From a past misfortune, good luck will come to you.
That milk you let go bad for a really long time has now turned into an exotic cheese.

As the wallet grows, so do the needs.
Whoever wrote this was an idiot. Money exceeding needs equals growing wallet.

Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek.
Mullets are no longer in style? Are you sure? Fine, I'll cut it off.

To make dreams real, first you have to have them.
You saying I'm not ambitious? You saying I should aspire to something better? Excuse me for not having reached the esteemed position of fortune cookie writer.

Your place in life is in the driver's seat.
Forget that. I'd rather have a chauffeur.

Your road to glory will be rocky, but fulfilling.
Chauffeur, take me to glory. Oh, and let's stop by Carl's Jr. on the way.


Soon you'll have a chance for a profitable transaction.
Click on the Merchandise button. Buy some shirts. You get a cool shirt, and I get some money. That's a profitable transaction for everyone.

A special moment lies ahead.
Woohoo! Buy one get one free ice cream!

Your ability to love will help a child in need.
Since I love me, I guess it will be my inner child that's getting help.

Now is the best time for you to be spontaneous. Serendipity!
I'm pretty sure most of the people who won Darwin Awards were spontaneous. I'll stick to thinking before I act.

A surprise gift from another will leave a lasting impression.
You're going to be sick with mono for a while.

Your principles mean more to you than any money or success.
That's easy to say when no one's made an offer yet. Show me some dollar figures, and I'm willing to be flexible.


A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.
You're being audited. Congrats!

The strengths in your character will bring you serenity.
Since my strengths are sarcasm and criticism, that explains why pointing out someone's flaws always makes me feel better.

Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones.
Are you sure? The straining button on my pants seems to indicate I should have skipped the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile on you.
That sounds a lot like death, except the fortune goes to those who collect on your life insurance.

A wise man will soon enlighten you.
That shouldn't be too hard after having my expectations lowered by these fortune cookies.

A good position and a comfortable salary will be yours.
So long as you are willing to take the fall during the indictment for insider trading.

Opportunity knocks on your door every day. Answer it.
Oh, so opportunity can knock on a door every day, but when I do it, it's considered harassment? How else am I supposed to talk to her? She blocks my calls and emails, and she told the post office to shred my letters. I guess opportunity has better lawyers.


The joyful energy of the day will have a positive effect on you.
But that will conflict with my natural sarcasm and cynicism.

You're feeling the need to think longer-term. Plan ahead.
If I wash my clothes now, I should have enough underwear till the end of the month.

Trust others, but still keep your eyes open.
There's a good philosophy for nurturing an ulcer.

Rely on your friends today to help make that difficult decision.
PS3, Xbox360, or Wii?

The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected.
But the easy thing is to wing it and then blame someone else when problems arise.

You will overcome difficult times.
Or turn to liquor.

An important discussion about you will take place today.
Did my manager catch me sleeping at my desk again?


Unveil your ideas. Be ready to act on them.
And then take the blame when they aren't any good. 

You could prosper in the field of entertainment.
"Did you see me in the movie? I was Dead Guy #5."

Good ideas will spring forth naturally from your mind in the coming week.
But another person already patented them.

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.
The judge says you have to do 100 hours of community service.

You will soon be changing your present line of work.
I'm getting fired?!

You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work.
I'd prefer to have a good time after an easy day's work.

Good things are coming to you in due course of time.
So EVENTUALLY something good will happen? Oh joy.

You will travel to many exotic places in your lifetime.
And get the exotic diseases to go with them.


Something on 4 wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!
Till you drive it off the lot. Then its investment value will drop severely.

Being aware of your fears will improve your life.
How? It seems to me that if you don't know about a fear then you don't have that fear.

This week, you have a good head in matters of money.
But next week you'll blow everything on internet stocks.

Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities.
I disagree. Anyone willing to share Lucky Charms with me is my friend.

A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship.
Yeah, "Let's just be friends." is a phrase you'll be hearing a lot.

Opportunity awaits you on next Tuesday.
So does your bookie.

Contentment is just around the corner for you. Look forward!
If it's around the corner, won't I miss it by looking forward? Someone please tell me where to go!

A good movie will inspire you reach for the stars.
With the obvious grammar problem of this one, there's no need to make fun of it.


Don't give up. Your problem gets better next month.
But if I leave that thing growing in the corner of my fridge, it will probably be a lot worse in a month.

No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this month.
That's great, but the thing in my fridge is really starting to scare me.

You will soon receive an usual gift freely given. Accept!
A usual, free gift. Oh joy. What am I getting, a coupon in the mail?

An interesting musical opportunity is in your near future.
Well it wasn't American Idol. Even Paula said I suck.

Good things come in small packages. One is coming to you.
But if it's making a ticking sound, there's probably not a "good thing" inside.

You will inherit an unexpected sum of money within the year.
Inherit, so someone close to me is going to die. Thanks a lot you stupid fortune cookie.

Listen attentively. You will come out ahead in the next few days.
Or if you can't stand your wife's chattering anymore, take her to a movie. She can't talk there.

You are always welcome in any gathering.
So long as you bring food.


You will do well to expand your horizons.
I understand, get a high def television.

You will soon get something special because of your charm.
A slap in the face.

Linger over dinner discussions this week for needed advice.
Or use dinner discussion as a way to let your mom's casserole go cold so you won't have to eat it.

You will discover the truth in time.
Luke, I am your father. Oh, and you kissed your sister.

Tomorrow will be a productive day. Don't oversleep.
For me, sleeping is a productive day.

The strong person knows how to withstand substantial loss.
But the intelligent person knows how to avoid it.

You will receive praise for a job well done.
But no money.

Share your abundant humor with others at this time. They need it.
There's this hilarious website called Monster Hunting Made Easy.


Meet the Characters

meet the charactersMeet Chris, Billy, Eis, Derek, and all the other characters

Eis' Hero Guide

eis hero guideSince Eis is such a superb hero, he's giving out lessons.

Fortune Cookies

“You will soon witness a miracle.”
Spam will be made with quality meat!


rpg gameSeven great heroes quested to defeat evil... they all died

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